I'm noticing a scary trend...

An observation: the longer i live my life, the less i care of it's quality.
Growing up i had aspirations to graduate college with at least a 3.5, go to med school, and become a radiologist. Since starting college, it changed to wanting to major in business and open up a Percussion shop. Now, as i sit here right now, i am realizing i don't even care about that. I have no real dreams. What do i want? i want a consistent flow of money large enough to survive, and a woman. Period. I happily have the most wonderful woman i could ever ask for, so i must thus find money. I used to dream of doing something i loved and therefore it wouldn't be work or something. I just want something tolerable. Everything i have ever been has diminished. i used to be decent on guitar and keyboard. i used to be in a successful band. now i can't play shit. i can play drums, but my drums sound like shit. I guess i still have photography, but I've never wanted to do that as a job. My entire life is based solely on my experience with others. I have no self-worth without the presence of others to do things for. I have no motivation to do anything for myself. I'll pour my life into anyone i care about. Right now, my girlfriend is my life, her family that i don't hate are my life. One day, if i have kids, they'll be my life. It doesn't help that my utter disgust for the world grows with each day. I can't remember the last time i did something for myself was. I'm sick and tired of my future revolving around things like class attendance, and some numbers on paper. I want to live off my fucking mind as it is, i don't want to have to educate myself to do something other than spill my guts into some kind of form that somehow earns me money. I'll do odd jobs for the rest of my life if that's all that comes of it. I'll work at some restaurant, paint your kitchen, mow your lawn, fix your computer, I don't care about becoming some sort of figure in anyone's life. I don't care about any titles i earn, i don't care about prestigious organizations. Nothing I could ever possibly become matters to me. any position of power in the world today is corrupted. people look at police officers and say oo! respect! fuck them. they're just people. so is the CEO of Big Company and the hobo on Elm St.
the concept of "better people" sickens me. If i saw someone getting married in a t-shirt, i wouldn't think shit of it. I'd think he was lucky. he found someone to spend the rest of his life with. and clearly feels comfortable without ornamentation. good for him. All i want is to be able to breathe and support something else so it can become great. That is my only motivation. I want to create things to love. i want to spread love and hope and goodness. those are the only things that matter in life. that is all i want my life to become. That is all i want for anyone i love. I will sacrifice my entirety to anyone i truly care about. Do i want things? yes. I'd love a house with a home theater. Would i sacrifice giving someone an opportunity to feel great and loved to pay for said home theater? no. not a chance. in fact, i practically already have a home theater. I have accumulated all the pieces over the years. I don't need a 42 inch TV. I once had 5.1 Surround with a monstrous sub hooked up to a 9 inch TV. i was overjoyed. Joy, there's a concept. I only experience joy if I'm creating joy for another. I used to be one to seek out confirmation, like photo comments and blah blah. I don't care about anyone thinking I'm good at anything. sure, nice things are nice to hear, but nothing i will ever become will matter to me. If i were to say, become a millionaire somehow, it'd only be a big deal to me because of what i could support in others.




I live to help others live. I live to love. I live to care. I live to spread joy. End.