Shit Day

Today I took a nap from 11:40am to 8:30pm. Why the hell do I do that? That's not even a nap anymore. Now I'm going to slip into a nocturnal streak AGAIN. at least it's the weekend.

Audio Post!

Today: I recorded music and an audio blog!


so! for your viewing/listening pleasure, here is the Audio portion of blow my mind out, finally!

Today: I felt Nauseous.

So, I've decided to merge my Flickr project with my blog, as some people who read this don't go to my flickr that often.

Today I woke up feeling extra queasy, and really hoped that my morning shower would help. It did a little, but my feeling of bleh-ness has stayed with my all day. Also, my back pain is starting to flare up again. No fun. No fun at all.

But other than that, it's been a pretty solid day. There was a bike sale today for super cheap by the Union, but I didn't have any cash on me. It didn't look super awesome. so I'm not too dissapointed.

So, today's the day. the fateful day every year that another Saw flick comes out. ohhhhh if there's a series of films I hate more than that, I have yet to see it. Thought i must admit it, this one looks really interesting. It seems like that had some really cool new ideas.. yah know.. to torture.. people. Something I'm not a fan of, but more how they are able to get out of the traps.

Bree drew me a nice little friend! On an old orange tic tac pack. He looks a little frazzled to me, but happy. So, I like it.

I'm noticing a scary trend...

An observation: the longer i live my life, the less i care of it's quality.
Growing up i had aspirations to graduate college with at least a 3.5, go to med school, and become a radiologist. Since starting college, it changed to wanting to major in business and open up a Percussion shop. Now, as i sit here right now, i am realizing i don't even care about that. I have no real dreams. What do i want? i want a consistent flow of money large enough to survive, and a woman. Period. I happily have the most wonderful woman i could ever ask for, so i must thus find money. I used to dream of doing something i loved and therefore it wouldn't be work or something. I just want something tolerable. Everything i have ever been has diminished. i used to be decent on guitar and keyboard. i used to be in a successful band. now i can't play shit. i can play drums, but my drums sound like shit. I guess i still have photography, but I've never wanted to do that as a job. My entire life is based solely on my experience with others. I have no self-worth without the presence of others to do things for. I have no motivation to do anything for myself. I'll pour my life into anyone i care about. Right now, my girlfriend is my life, her family that i don't hate are my life. One day, if i have kids, they'll be my life. It doesn't help that my utter disgust for the world grows with each day. I can't remember the last time i did something for myself was. I'm sick and tired of my future revolving around things like class attendance, and some numbers on paper. I want to live off my fucking mind as it is, i don't want to have to educate myself to do something other than spill my guts into some kind of form that somehow earns me money. I'll do odd jobs for the rest of my life if that's all that comes of it. I'll work at some restaurant, paint your kitchen, mow your lawn, fix your computer, I don't care about becoming some sort of figure in anyone's life. I don't care about any titles i earn, i don't care about prestigious organizations. Nothing I could ever possibly become matters to me. any position of power in the world today is corrupted. people look at police officers and say oo! respect! fuck them. they're just people. so is the CEO of Big Company and the hobo on Elm St.
the concept of "better people" sickens me. If i saw someone getting married in a t-shirt, i wouldn't think shit of it. I'd think he was lucky. he found someone to spend the rest of his life with. and clearly feels comfortable without ornamentation. good for him. All i want is to be able to breathe and support something else so it can become great. That is my only motivation. I want to create things to love. i want to spread love and hope and goodness. those are the only things that matter in life. that is all i want my life to become. That is all i want for anyone i love. I will sacrifice my entirety to anyone i truly care about. Do i want things? yes. I'd love a house with a home theater. Would i sacrifice giving someone an opportunity to feel great and loved to pay for said home theater? no. not a chance. in fact, i practically already have a home theater. I have accumulated all the pieces over the years. I don't need a 42 inch TV. I once had 5.1 Surround with a monstrous sub hooked up to a 9 inch TV. i was overjoyed. Joy, there's a concept. I only experience joy if I'm creating joy for another. I used to be one to seek out confirmation, like photo comments and blah blah. I don't care about anyone thinking I'm good at anything. sure, nice things are nice to hear, but nothing i will ever become will matter to me. If i were to say, become a millionaire somehow, it'd only be a big deal to me because of what i could support in others.




I live to help others live. I live to love. I live to care. I live to spread joy. End.

Sigh

It's the first cold night of winter, and I am sad, bored, and alone.


I miss my girlfriend.

College!

Observation number one: there is always room for more sleep.



i've been so incredibly tired lately. i am now out of my nocturnal funk though! which is great. just lovely.

i've been meaning to go get my microphone so i can start up the audio portion of my blog again, but i haven't really gotten a chance, not to mention the fact that i'm about to re-vamp my computer to be able to use my soundcard that messes with my current mobo. yay!

Nocturnal

so, as of late, I've been staying up into the ridiculous hours of the night, and sleeping during the day. all stemming from one day when I took a nap from around 1 until 7pm. Long and relaxing indeed, but now, of course, I can't sleep at night, I have class during the day, and I also have a roommate who I keep up. So, all I'm currently surfing the web, looking for new things to undertake, using StumbleUpon, and organizing my Links bar in my browser. fun stuff, man!

hmmm.. christmas.

so far, my best gifts of christmas have been my drum set and my keyboard. such blessings in my life. i think this christmas im going to ask for a kalimba and a cocktail drum set. so fun.


the cocktail set would be ultra-portable in comparison to my normal set, yet would give me the ability to jam out whenever i wanted to. im very excited to say the least.

times have been swell lately, the weather is fickle but when it's nice, it's NICE. it was actually quite chilly this morning, shiver-worthy in fact. i can't wait for it to get cold cold.

im thinking of getting a longer peacoat, similar to my other ones, but in a gray. sort of like this one:

it'd be from the same company, but perhaps a model with 8 buttons instead of 6. im not sure yet.

Right Now

I want to cry because I'm sad. I want to puke because I had too many sugary drinks. I want to puke to have something to cry about. I'm sad because i can't cry.